Great Finds on Our Shopping Trip.

Yesterday Doc and I went shopping in Burlington because we wanted to go see the Punisher movie. Every other movie we see at the theater is the others pick. So Doc's pick was the Punisher. Once we got to the Majestic 10, we drove past to see if it was playing it wasn't--bummer. His choices were Bedtime Stories, Yes Man, 7 lbs., Benjamin Button, The Tales of Despereaux, Valkryrie, The Spirit and Marley and Me. We watched Marley and Me on Christmas which I will get into later on. We decided we would go watch 7 Ibs at 4:30. It was only 11:50 so we needed to find something to do. We ventured over to South Burlington to Eastern Mountain Sports which is one of our all time favorite stores. I found a great tech wick zip up shirt in white... oh course it was a size large---too big but not too big with a bump. Sadly, my bump doesn't exist. So I needed to find a medium if I had any intention of purchasing. So I hunted to store---I found one on a store model---Checked the tag sure enough it was my size. I started to de-robe the lady right there! Leaving her with pants and vest which managed to cover up her fake boobs. Doc found ski pants that were 50% off---SCORE! We left and went over to play it again Sports and Sally Beauty Supplies. Doc was looking for a pair of used skis for me. I'm not purchasing new skis for the maybe 3 times I venture to the mountain. He didn't find any in my size but thats alright. We'll go back in a couple of weekends to look again. I went into Sally's and picked up some new nail polish. Now if I could only find the energy to paint them :0)For Audrey~Spontaneous~Orange knockout

We ate the Texas Roadhouse for the first time. Great service, food and atmosphere--You can't ask for anything better than that. The prices were really reasonable also. We finished up with driving to Colchester to Costco's in attempts to find Doc a watch for his birthday which is just around the corner--January 12. I ended up getting him a Suunto "wrist computer" which he is just tickled pink about. I caved and let him start wearing it almost immediately. No surprises in this house. I will pick him up a gift card or something to go along with it to give him on his actual birthday. Along with dinner and baking him a cake. We went and looked at digital picture frames as I have been wanting one for well over a year. Back a year ago they were so expensive but the perfect size. Now I can only find ones that are 10x12 or 8x14---way to big for my desk. As we were walking away Doc spotted a 2-pack nicely tucked back behind a box of other DF's. A great find... A 2-pack of 5" digital frames for 89.99--We snatched those up. So we both can have one for work. So So exciting! Here are our other purchases: The Digital Frames, My tech wick shirt, Doc's Ski pants and a mug for him to put pictures in from StarbucksOnce we got home Doc played on the xbox and Wally cuddled up right next to his daddy and wouldn't leave his side. Allowing me to hang out on the computer and add photos to my digital frame :0)

the shoes that i now walk in.

My Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Thank you to the Bumpie who posted this poem on the Pregnancy loss/Miscarriage board.

2008

1. What did you do in 2008 that you had never done before?
Cut the strings that were attached to my mother. It has had its ups and downs. The holidays have been spent exactly how Dom and I have wanted. I've been learning to put my family (Doc and I) first and everyone else second.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't do one for last year but this year I plan to make a few.

My new resolutions:
1. stop drinking soda
2.floss my teeth twice a day
3.shed some of my extra pounds.
4. Keep a "neater" home
5. Pay off debt and follow a budget
6. Become a woman of God

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My best friend Linda gave birth in August to a baby boy named Ryan. He's our god child. Also many of my nestie friends gave birth to beautiful babies :0)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully we didn't have anyone who passed away.

5. What countries did you visit?
We traveled to Mexico and took a road trip to the south. I can't wait to do more traveling like that--It was a great experience.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A mortgage with our name on it :0)

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
September 4th- The day we found out we were expecting Baby E and September 15,2008 the day Baby E went to heaven

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Standing up for my family (Doc and I)

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not doing that soon enough

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I suffered the loss of our Baby E and the after effects of it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our Hummer and Of course we signed a lease to purchase our condo so that was a GREAT accomplishment

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Dominic--he has stood by me through my best and worst moments. Though it hasn't always been easy he has done and exceptional job.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My extended family,enough said.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Vacation.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Eye of a Tiger by Survivor. It turned Christmas 2008 into a joyful moment. I beat Doc at a video game session :0)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier
b) thinner or fatter? heavier
c) richer or poorer? more wealthy (just a little)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Sorting through our junk and reducing the amount of belongings we have, church and cleaning our home

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
spending money and eating out.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At home relaxing.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I fall in love more and more each day.

23. What concerts did you attend this year?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Doc and I LIVED for Tuesday nights---The Shield was on! I also enjoy Heroes, Intervention, Top Chef and Moving Up.

25. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn't dislike this time last year?
No

26. What was the best book you read?
I <3>

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Resputina.

28. What did you want and get?
a home.

29. What did you want and not get?
a baby and a new car for me... but those two things I can live without for a few more days as long as Doc, Wally and I are healthy and happy.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Dark Knight and Marley& Me.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
We went out for dinner and Doc did a great job at turning a bad bad week into something a little more positive. I turned 23.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Financial stability

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Earthy

34. What kept you sane?
My husband.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
There really isn't one.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
economy

37. Who did you miss?
My father in law and our friends Debbie and Shawn.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Cindy Lou... She just the best friend a girl could ask for!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Good things come to those who wait... It's true... DH and I searched and searched for a home to purchase and when we least expected to find one.... We did!!!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I can't. I know sad!

Christmas Eve & Christmas Day

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.
I just wanted to share our Christmas cheer with you.

As some know Doc and I have been working some 55-70 hour weeks. Its been a little hectic in our house between work and Wallace getting sick we've had little time to really think about the holidays. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing considering the holidays aren't what they used to be. With the loss of Doc's parents and the chaotic family that I belong to--its easier for us to just the holidays blow over. We celebrated Thanksgiving just the 3 of us and it was great... we did exactly what we wanted. Stayed in our pajamas, ate an early meal and watched a couple of movies. We planned to the same exact thing today for Christmas. However Doc being the manager for his unit at the hospital changed our plans just a bit. I wasn't even done my shopping until yesterday at 4:45. I had to go finish up Doc's stocking and pick his other large gift. I stood in line at Walmart for 1/2 hour... it was CRAZY the number of people that were there. I got the 2nd to last one--Phew! I got home and left the big item in the entryway and ran to the bedroom to stuff his stocking and jump into my pajamas to make it more like Christmas morning. I told him to close his eyes and I carried in his other big gift that I just purchased an hour before. I hung his stocking with festive cheer. Once he opened his eyes he know that Santa had arrived. We opened our stockings and gifts and discussed what we wanted to do for our Christmas dinner... Mexican!!! We went to Julio's for Christmas dinner---it was awesome! We just relaxed and had a great evening. To start Dominic got up and went into work for 6am. I got up cleaned, did laundry and dishes. Once Dom got home--- we've just hung out with Wallace who wouldn't leave his present more than a few feet away from him. We decided that we wanted Chinese for dinner and to go the movies. I'm going to continue to share our Christmas days with you. Santa Wallace trying to get his Daddies attention..

Our Christmas Loot

Doc got Xbox 360 Guitar Hero World Tour, Rubber Mats for the Hummer, Pizza Stone, Custom made wallet, Hancock DVD, Fallout 3 and new winter jacket.

Wallace got a stuffed toy and yellow muttluks I got Danskos, Crocs, Bath Stuff, Cashmere bathrobe, sweater and a new winter jacket. Our 2gether gift---A Yuppie Coffee Machine :0)

Wallace "enjoying" his dressup time as Santa"Mom, I really hate this hat!""I think I'll just rip it in half so I'll never had to wear it again!"

I discovered today that Doc and I really like Coats. This is our "guest" coat closet and no we didn't have a holiday party today. Those really ALL belong to him and I :0) Thank you Santa for bringing us 2 more!

Merry Christmas BabyE

BabyE,

Merry Christmas sweet child. I wanted to thank you for watching over Daddy, Wally and I this week as it hasn't been a very easy holiday season this year. It hit me about a week ago that we would have just found out whether or not you were a boy or girl, instead your our sweet angel by the name of BabyE. It fits you just fine. I know your Grandpa Zoli and Grandma Ginny are spoiling you rotten today. Give them an extra hug and kiss for Daddy misses them so much! Daddy bought you an ornament for our tree about a month ago--It's a super baby onesie. You are our super angel watching over us. WE MISS YOU!

Merry Christmas.

I love you,
Mama

O' Christmas Gifts -Handmade by me!

Hi, I'd like you to meet two of our AEGIS groupies: Case and Ant
aka: Casey & Anton
About them: They have a love of travel, snowboarding, rock climbing, Air soft, camping and they think dogs are great. You could say that they're an adventurous couple despite their habits of sleeping in late on a Saturday after a night out at the bar. He drives his jeep with top off while Casey rocks out in her little Scion despite Ants lack of love of that car! If only it was a mini. Tattoo's and piercings go hand in hand with this pair. They are eccentric and I love the two of them for this! If I had balls I would be more like them! They both got tat's on their right index figure of a mustache and started the Mustache Gang. So every where they travel they take a picture of the mustache's. They parted ways a couple months back--Team G(irls version of) AEGIS hasn't been the same since the split. The girls loved getting together. I wish they would stop with the fvck buddy shyt and Case would just pack up her suitcase at her parents and move back home. She needs to reclaim her pin-up cross stitch bathroom! I'm hoping with a little help of my joint Christmas gift to the two of them--I can pack some love into my box and mail it to them. To just get my friends back to be the Case and Ant that I know and Love! Thats right... I made them Mustache Gang holiday stockings.
One for her and one for him.

I also did a little DYI headboard till I get my platform constructed this will work to break up the wall. Just some antique ceiling tiles spray painted an off white and nailed to the wall. (Sorry about the mismatch pillow cases--(got a bloody nose)

HERE IS MY CURRENT TO DO LIST

KITCHEN:

• FINISH ELECTRICAL BOX COVER
• FINISH THE PAINTING THE KITCHEN
  
• REDECORATE THE TOP OF THE CABINET

LIVING ROOM:

• PUT TOGETHER MULTIMEDIA STAND---DONE
• PAINT
• HANG UP PICTURES

BEDROOM :

• PAINT
  
• HANG UP PICTURES
• BUILD PLATFORM BED OR MAKE HEAD BOARD CREATION FOR THE TIME BEING
• FIGURE OUT LIGHTING

OFFICE:

• UNPACK
• ORGANIZE
• HANG PHOTOS/WALL DECOR

BATHROOM:

• ORGANIZE
• HANG WALL DECOR

ENTRY WAY CLOSET

• ORGANIZE!

ODDS AND ENDS TO COMPLETE

• MAIL OUT KARA & HARLEYS BOX OF BABY ITEMS
• MAKE ENTRY WAY CHALKBOARD
  
• FINISH CHRISTMAS CARDS
• GIVE CINDY CANDLE HOLDER--DONE
• GIVE LORI EXTRA CURTAINS--DONE
• SEND FREE STUFF TO ASSOCIATES IN PEDIATRICS TO GET RID OF!--DONE

READ, READ, READ

Confession: I was the kid in high school and college that depended on sparknotes.com to get me the passing grade. It wasn't that I hated to sit down with a book. It was the fact that I'm a slow reader. I've struggled with reading quickly my whole life because I'll be reading and my mind will just drift right off the page. My mind ends up on something completely different.

Dominic can sit down with a book and read it cover to cover in two sittings. He convinced me that the only way I would be a stronger reader would be to just sit down with as many books as possible and read, read, read.

I failed to mention---I have to be able to relate to the book in some way to be able to finish it. I know silly. Right? I fell in love with Emily Griffins books. I've read them all so far and have moved on to Claire Cooks. I've read more books in the last 2 months than I have in the past 10 years.

I just ordered 4 new books. Yes, Four. I know hate being with a book to read. I ordered 3 of Claire Cooks books and Grieving for a child I never held. As Christmas nears and more friends announce their pregnancy's the more I miss my Baby E. I realized that I really haven't grieved for Baby E. I'm hoping this book with give me a little insight on the whats, whys and whens. I know I have those answers in my heart but sometimes seeing them elsewhere helps too.

Thanks blog for letting me ramble at 1:37am :O)

A Great Ending to a HARD week

Tuesday was the one year anniversary of Doc's fathers death. It is difficult having it so close to Thanksgiving when you really don't want to have to deal with it period. Doc hides every emotion regarding his parents deaths. I'm so heart broken for him. I know that as time passes the holidays will get better but we will never be able to celebrate those holidays like we like. period.

I was able to go into work late today. I didn't have to be there until 10:30 what a blessing! I got up at the normal time of 6:30 to take Walls out on our walk around the neighborhood. Fed him. Woke up Doc. He got into the shower while I put away dishes and got him Captain Crunch into a bowl for him. I began picking up the rest of our home. Missing our bedroom. Opps! Dom got ready for work. I kissed and hugged him goodbye. I jumped into the shower. Finished my morning routine and continued to pull our house together. Got Walls into his crate and got my coat on. Off to Walmart I went in search of Xbox 360 Guitar Hero World Tour and a remote control lightning Mcqueen car. But not before my stop at DD for a vanilla chai. Walmart was out of both. I managed to pick up 2 different CARS items for the nephew whose birthday I just remembered comes before Christmas (DAMN!). Got into line waited about 6 minutes and on my way I went. Off to Work Hi Ho. Boring/slow day. Met Doc for Positive Pie and it was DELISH! Off to the mall to go to Game Stop so Dominic could get a few more games--on sale. Home again to relax for the weekend.

Once home I found something that I have been wanting FOREVER! I love when friends remember stuff from long ago. All I kept saying what how I wanted a cute little knit Gap outfit for future child. Look what my Linda got me. That said outfit! Baby Ee will look great in it (once Baby Ee is conceived {wink}) .

Baby Ee's adorable outfit

Walls and Mommy

Santa's Rotty Reindeer

Sharing My Thanksgiving.

Doc and I had our first Thanksgiving in our new place. It was great it was the just the two of us and our furbaby Walls. We enjoyed our day by lounging in our pj's, cooking, sipping wine and decorating for Christmas. Yes, Christmas is hear at our house :0)

Our orange infused bird- Yum!

Note to self for next Thanksgiving: purchase roasting pan and carving utensils!

H*E*E got new Glasses! I'm so excited my eyes are finally feeling some much better :O)OH CHRISTMAS TREE .... OH CHRISTMAS TREE
Our Tree is almost completely decorated... will post another picture when complete.
While moving I dropped my box of decorations and all of my red glass bulbs broke. So I had to purchase new ones. I never thought to pick up the hangers too... SO tomorrow I will finish our tree.
Baby E's ornament.
Daddy picked it out for Baby E at Hallmark a few weeks back. My Sign is finally hung :O)

I love penguins.
Dom found me these see no evil, say no evil and hear no evil at Christmas Tree Shoppes. I just had to have them.

And of course I was in an antique store and spotted them tin sign... again I just had to have it!
My goal is to have one wall with just different random tin signs hung in our kitchen.
I found a very tired Santa Walls when I got home from work.

In Loving Memory of My Favortie Father!

In Loving Memory of Zoltan 1932-2007

I can't believe that tomorrow marks a year that Dad passed away.
There hasn't been a weekend that I haven't longed for breakfast at Maxi's in Waterbury or dinner at Waterbury Wings.
Or our nightly phone calls to make sure that he ate something delicious for dinner or Dad just checking up to make sure that the dogs were behaving.
I miss Dad's gold tooth that he showed with sincere smile.
I miss the nights of Dad and I ordering the same drink with dinner.
I miss Dad asking us when we would bless him with a grandchild.
Dad got his wish back in September---Our baby E is with mom and him.
I miss having Dad to talk to about well anything.
I miss hearing him and Dom laugh together.
I miss seeing Dad hold Dom's for just a second while sitting side by side in the recliner.
There's not much of anything that I don't miss when it is associated with Zoli--He was Dom's father and he became mine in such a short period of time.
I just wish that we had more time together---more holidays---more Sundays and the birth of his grandchild to share.
I miss you Dad.
I love you.
H.E.



A slide show that Dom made in memory of his father.

Some Photos to remember my DAD.

The Perfect Father.

SO LITTLE TIME

HERE IS MY CURRENT TO DO LIST

KITCHEN:

• FINISH ELECTRICAL BOX COVER
• FINISH THE PAINTING THE KITCHEN
  
• REDECORATE THE TOP OF THE CABINET

LIVING ROOM:

• PUT TOGETHER MULTIMEDIA STAND
• PAINT
• HANG UP PICTURES
• GIVE AWAY DOCS BEAN BAG (HAHA! SORRY HONEY---THERE JUST ISN'T ENOUGH ROOM)

BEDROOM :

• PAINT
  
• HANG UP PICTURES
• BUILD PLATFORM BED OR MAKE HEAD BOARD CREATION FOR THE TIME BEING
• FIGURE OUT LIGHTING

OFFICE:

• UNPACK
• ORGANIZE
• HANG PHOTOS/WALL DECOR

BATHROOM:

• ORGANIZE
• HANG WALL DECOR

ENTRY WAY CLOSET

• ORGANIZE!

ODDS AND ENDS TO COMPLETE

• MAIL OUT KARA & HARLEYS BOX OF BABY ITEMS
• MAKE ENTRY WAY CHALKBOARD
  
• FINISH CHRISTMAS CARDS
• GIVE CINDY CANDLE HOLDER
• GIVE LORI EXTRA CURTAINS
• SEND FREE STUFF TO ASSOCIATES IN PEDIATRICS TO GET RID OF!
  

I'VE BEEN TAGGED!

I was tagged by Mrs. Rotty . Being tagged is a FIRST for me... now I'm struggling to complete being tagged--I'm not very popular on thebump.com or by having people follow my blog so this is going to be a little bit more difficult then I originally thought!
Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.

1. I can shop for anyone anyone anyone but my husband. I'm stressing about Christmas shopping for him. I already bought and gave him is big gift yesterday 11/13/08. An Xbox. Now for the rest.

2. I hate scrubbing folks, knives or spoons...oh and cups too! If they are beyond scrubable I throw them out. I refuse to take the flatware that we got as a wedding gift out of the box because I'm afraid I might be tempted to toss it.

3. I LOVE POST ITS. I have them all over my office at work and in each room in our home. I love making notes/lists. and the Canary yellow are my favorite followed up by the pepto pink:)

4. I love popping my husbands zits! I will harass him until he lets me. I get great joy out of driving him completely crazy!

5. I sleep with my contacts in more than anyone else I know. I have once left them in for 3 weeks without removing them to cleanse. It's the cheap girls version of laser eye surgery :) {note don't try it--it will bite you in the ass down the road} {I'm currently having major eye issues}

6. I can NOT use a tampon with an applicator. I'm not sure why but they scare me. I HAVE to use OB's.

7. My husband proposed to me after just three weeks of dating and we were married a eleven months later. I love him with all my heart! He completes me.

Tag your it: Hoping, Baby Caleb, Miss Mandy, Bada, Cate, Blair, Daydream

EYE ISSUEs

I have been battling bad eyes for over a week now. I'm fed up! It started out with me falling asleep with my contacts in. Saturday morning I woke up and let the dog out to have my left eye watering and extremely sensitive to the light. It went on all day Saturday and most of the day Sunday. By Sunday night I could watch TV but it would water consistently if the television was too bright. Monday I went to work and it didn't bother me to much but there was a constant pressure/pain behind the eye and my vision was foggy. I couldn't wear my contacts because I was afraid that maybe I had pink eye. So I wore my glasses for WAY to many days. The girls at work told me that I should really see a doctor because your eyesight is nothing to toy with. So I called my regular doctors because I didn't feel like making the hour and half drive to see my eye doctor. My usual doctor was out so I saw Dr. C. He did some test with dye and just an overall check of my lid to make sure there wasn't an infection. Dr. C recommended artificial tears to moisten my eye and call my eye doctor to get in them in case it should get worse. Once I got home I called Dr. K's office to schedule an appointment they wanted to see me right away. I got in at 10:15 the next morning. Once I got to the eye doctors he did the dye test only to figure out that I might have had a small infection but my body was doing an okay job of clearing it up. He also discovered that my prescription in my glasses has been incorrect all this time which could be why I had pressure/pain behind my eye. It might have been a migraine. So he gave me the correct prescription in contacts and sent me home to try them out for two weeks until I go back for my follow up appointment. My new contacts feel great and my vision is SO much better. However, today my right eye started to bother me. Just when I thought my eye issue was corrected my other is now bugging me. This time it's not that I can't see---I have a sty in my right eye. What a huge PITA! I have to place hot compresses on my eye until it goes away. Wish me luck with my eyes! I need all the luck I can get with these!

YES, WE CAN!

Mr. President.
I couldn't happier when I heard that you won.
I now have a sense that our great nation is in the hands of someone young, passionate and inspiring. You have the qualities that a lot of wish we could hold in ourselves.
Watching you speak last night was such a powerful moment in our history.
I knew in my heart that Senator McCain didn't stand a chance to win with the $2 bimbo by his side and I am happy that he didn't. Despite my opinion of Senator McCain he gave a great speech as well last night. He was the genuine guy that I remember from 2000. I hope he remains true to his heart and respecting you, Mr. President. You are now his President too!
We have a lot of issues that need to be taken care of here in the USA.
Our economy is in the pits. Peoples credit has floored because they are struggling--for the basics to survive. Young people are drowning in student loan debt and can't even imagine owning their own homes because they just can't afford it. Our seniors are having to choose between medicine and food.
Mr. President, my confidence is in your hands to help get us to a better place!

VOTE!

I voted for Obama! I never felt so much pride walking in and casting my vote for change! My vote to help turn this country around for the better. I will be so proud to watch him take his oath!

My new sweet baby - EVA!

What do you think about my little new baby EVA?
MakeMeBabies.com - What will your baby look like?

My new sweet baby - Zoli!

What do you think about my little new baby Zoli?
MakeMeBabies.com - What will your baby look like?

Pregnancy & Infant Rememberance Day.

I would love to be able to forget that I was expecting baby E just a month ago. Not that I forgot my baby E but rather I like to think that my loss never happened. I would love to be posting weekly updates of my growing belly and where the "growth" of baby E would be currently. Instead of those joyous updates, I update my blog with my hgc levels and my doctors lack of heart. It's not only frustrating ---it just plain sucks!

So tonight, I plan to say a little prayer for you baby E.

I've never see Daddy be so quiet as when he put your stroller and carseat in the back of our new closet at the new house. Daddy had such a sad face---it almost broke my heart just a day short of us hitting our 11 week mark.

I miss you E!

Dear Baby E

Dear Baby E,

I just wanted to let you know that there hasn't been a day in past 4 weeks that I haven't thought about you or longed to see you. Since you went to heaven 4 weeks ago, my mood has centered around grieving for you. I hurt so bad knowing that I never got to see your fingernails or your eyes or get to take you for a ride in your stroller. I was so curious if you would have daddy's flat feet or mommy's narrow ones. You were a baby that wouldn't go without much. Daddy and I were already so well prepared for you. I'm so sorry you won't be able to be with us or use your cool things. I'm really sorry for Daddy and I because we were so excited to meet and watch you grow. My heart aches knowing that it will be what seems like forever for me to get to hold you. I guess we won't know when that will be---that's in God's timing. Which I might add, I didn't like his timing for you to back to him. Daddy and I bought a condo--God's blessing was perfect for that. You would be 11 weeks tomorrow. I miss you!

I love you Baby E!

Love always,
Mama

Here are photos of Baby E cool stuff:

CONDO UPDATE

I'm completely out of elbow grease for the weekend! I cleaned the condo from top to bottom and every last inch of the place! It's ready for us to move in. I'm going to make trips tomorrow with my car. Then I figure we will finish up next week or the weekend after with the bigger stuff. I'm really looking forward to moving in and finally settling down for a while. I will be so happy to have Mr. Walls back with us and getting him out of boarding. That will be a huge relief! Besides it will be ours in the end... how sweet that is.

Monster Mash Onesie

My newest idea for sewing projects. Monster onesies! This one is for my god baby Ryan for Halloween. I plan to make more and open up shop on Etsy.com in the next week. I've been sewing minky's, burp cloths and now my monster mash onesies. I think they are cute and a fun for kids if not more fun for the parents. Everything is either made on my sewing machine or with my two hands. The onesies are all hand stitched which I think is totally awesome!

Let me know if you are interested in particular colors or want to purchase one.

My Life Update.

Blood work: Apparently its never going to go to zero. My beta level was at a two last Monday and this Monday it was at a one. I'm going to wait two weeks before I have my blood drawn one last time to make sure it goes to zero.

Miscarriage: I just want it done and over with. I'm so sick of being reminded that I had a miscarriage. Like seeing newborn babies on a near daily basis isn't a big enough reminder or the fact that I have a brand new car seat and stroller in my living room. Or that I had the husband that doesn't understand why I'm so upset. He would love for me to just put it behind me and act like it never happened. My boobs are huge, my stomach now has a nice coat of bloat and my pants don't really want to fit. Adding the list of current reminders.

Wallace: He's currently at the Country Animal Hospital and Kennels staying there until Doc and I figure out just what to do. I really don't want to give him up but I'm all out of options. Besides just buying a house to buy one for us and the Walls to live in. My landlords are assholes and won't let us have him here. I mean he is a trained therapy pet. It is so frustrating that we pay $925 a month and still can't have a pet when we agreed to put down an additional non refundable deposit for them.

Housing: I got notification today that our rent will be increasing $75 a month for increased heating expenses. We have 30 days to decide whether or not to stay or move. We started looking tonight for a different place. We are going to look at an apartment on Friday morning that would decrease our rent by half but we would also have a bedroom less. It may be well worth it if we just sign a 6 month lease agreement. We applied for a mortgage but with the economy who knows what will happen.

(found this out in the draft world on 11/6/08 and posted it.) my life at that point

My Sick Furbaby Wallace

Doc and I adopted Wallace in March of 2007 from a high kill shelter rescue out of New York. The foundation is run by an angel Jane. She is the best. She is so kind and extremely supportive. We got Wally to be a companion for our yellow lab Jacob. When we got him he only weighed 75 pounds and was extremely sick. We were told that he was between the ages of 7-8. We later found out that it was more 9-10. So after numerous vet visits we found out that he was filled with whip and hook worms. So both pups had to be on medicine. Doc and I were in the process of purchasing a home and it was sold out from underneath us. We had 2 1/2 weeks to find another place to live ---we searched and found a place that was reasonable and it allowed pets. We put a deposit down...it was just a temporary home until we found a house. So we went to sign the lease and it stated no pets. Great---what are we going to do? We couldn't get back our $3200 deposit and we couldn't afford to lose it either. So we decided to board the dogs. We found Pam---she had two of her own dogs and a heart of gold. Jacob was having really bad separation anxiety and wouldn't make it there for a year or less. So I made the ultimate choice. I found him a great forever home with an awesome family! We love Tracy and Newman. They are such a great fit for him. Wallace was doing great with Pam. He liked the dogs and her cats and seemed really happy there. We got really great reports each week.

Up until.... I went to pick him up a few weeks ago to have him for the day for some quality time and he had no hair on his bum and was covered in fleas. Of to the flea dip we went. I picked up flea meds to put on him in hopes that we help him. Doc got him a flea collar to see if they would help. This week we got a report that he was weak, not eating, urinating in the house and that she noticed blood in his stool. I thought we would just schedule him a vet appointment. Saturday it got drastically worse. She called to tell me that her son thought that he should just be put down. That he was extremely sick and that her son would have no problem shooting him. I called Doc hysterical that this idiot would might actually kill our dog. We pay her each month and we supply her dogs plus our own food each month and this is how we get treated. I began to question how Walls was being treated there. Doc and I talked last night about what to do. We can't bring him our place and finding someone to take him at his age would be very hard to do. Doc emailed Jane right away this morning to notify her of the situation that we have on our hands. She called me at work and asked me how soon I could get him out of there. I said probably today if I had a plan. So she called her vet in Bethel and got me squeezed in at 2:30 and we made arrangements with a boarding facility in Shelburne to board him for a few weeks while we beg our landlords to let us have him here or we find a home to purchase or a new place to rent. Jane is an extraordinary woman. She is paying for everything for us so we can be calm while we are dealing with all of this. I love her from the bottom of my heart. So at 1:00 I was on my most nerve wrecking drive of my life to go pick up my baby not knowing what to expect. I didn't know if he would be groggy, dead like or dirty. When I got there he was SOO excited to see his mama! He was jumping and when I showed him his leash he was overjoyed he knew the end of that place was near!!! He was such a good sport in the car.

Wally's visit summary to Country Animal Hospital. We met with Dr. Jessica Englund. She was super! Here is what our receipt entails:

Diagnostic exam $36.
CBC-Abaxis $35.
Chemistry Profile-abaxis $47.
Fecal; negative $19.
Snap Giardia; negative $25.
Heartwork/Lyme test;negative $35.
Urinalysis $28.
SMZTMP 960mg tabs $20.
Amoxicillin Capsules 500mg $15.0
Drontol Plus Canine $57.

Grand total: $317.

We were at the office from 2 to 5pm. I got a really good report--He was negative for heartworm and lyme disease. His heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, prostate, and pancreas are all in excellent condition. He is being treated for a small parasite in his stool and being dewormed just in case something was missed. His white blood cell count was extremely high in urine so he is being treated for a urinary tract infection--Dr. Jess also told me that we are going to do a follow up urine test in 10 days to see how he is feeling because he could have a tumor or a form of bladder cancer. Or it could be that he got a UTI from improper care like not being let outside. I couldn't get him into the boarding facility tonight in Shelburne so he is spending a couple of nights at the CAH in their boarding area. We got to pick out his room and a blanket along with a plush bed for him to sleep on. I hung out with him in room while he got friendly with the male dog next to him. They peed into each others area so they were happy. I left him with him having high spirits and me crying because I didn't want to leave my baby behind. This couldn't have come at a worse time. I love him and I just want him to be here with us where I don't have to worry about how someone else is treating or caring for him!!!

My Sweet Baby Angel

To those of you who look away when I grow teary eyed in the baby department, look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those of you who change the subject when I speak my child's name, change your way of thinking.
It may just change your whole life.

To those of you who roll your eyes and say we barely had them at all, how could we miss them so much, in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times. We have seen their first steps, first day of school, their weddings, and their children. We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, even if we had twenty more they would never be the child we lost, and we will always miss them.

To those who say get on with my life, I have. It is a different life, the life of a grieving mother. One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for, but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of.

Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart throbs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she is NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of here is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us: we have shaped more than just the future generation.

We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.

Open your eyes to us, and you just might see them.