Pregnancy & Infant Rememberance Day.

I would love to be able to forget that I was expecting baby E just a month ago. Not that I forgot my baby E but rather I like to think that my loss never happened. I would love to be posting weekly updates of my growing belly and where the "growth" of baby E would be currently. Instead of those joyous updates, I update my blog with my hgc levels and my doctors lack of heart. It's not only frustrating ---it just plain sucks!

So tonight, I plan to say a little prayer for you baby E.

I've never see Daddy be so quiet as when he put your stroller and carseat in the back of our new closet at the new house. Daddy had such a sad face---it almost broke my heart just a day short of us hitting our 11 week mark.

I miss you E!

Dear Baby E

Dear Baby E,

I just wanted to let you know that there hasn't been a day in past 4 weeks that I haven't thought about you or longed to see you. Since you went to heaven 4 weeks ago, my mood has centered around grieving for you. I hurt so bad knowing that I never got to see your fingernails or your eyes or get to take you for a ride in your stroller. I was so curious if you would have daddy's flat feet or mommy's narrow ones. You were a baby that wouldn't go without much. Daddy and I were already so well prepared for you. I'm so sorry you won't be able to be with us or use your cool things. I'm really sorry for Daddy and I because we were so excited to meet and watch you grow. My heart aches knowing that it will be what seems like forever for me to get to hold you. I guess we won't know when that will be---that's in God's timing. Which I might add, I didn't like his timing for you to back to him. Daddy and I bought a condo--God's blessing was perfect for that. You would be 11 weeks tomorrow. I miss you!

I love you Baby E!

Love always,
Mama

Here are photos of Baby E cool stuff:

CONDO UPDATE

I'm completely out of elbow grease for the weekend! I cleaned the condo from top to bottom and every last inch of the place! It's ready for us to move in. I'm going to make trips tomorrow with my car. Then I figure we will finish up next week or the weekend after with the bigger stuff. I'm really looking forward to moving in and finally settling down for a while. I will be so happy to have Mr. Walls back with us and getting him out of boarding. That will be a huge relief! Besides it will be ours in the end... how sweet that is.

Monster Mash Onesie

My newest idea for sewing projects. Monster onesies! This one is for my god baby Ryan for Halloween. I plan to make more and open up shop on Etsy.com in the next week. I've been sewing minky's, burp cloths and now my monster mash onesies. I think they are cute and a fun for kids if not more fun for the parents. Everything is either made on my sewing machine or with my two hands. The onesies are all hand stitched which I think is totally awesome!

Let me know if you are interested in particular colors or want to purchase one.

My Life Update.

Blood work: Apparently its never going to go to zero. My beta level was at a two last Monday and this Monday it was at a one. I'm going to wait two weeks before I have my blood drawn one last time to make sure it goes to zero.

Miscarriage: I just want it done and over with. I'm so sick of being reminded that I had a miscarriage. Like seeing newborn babies on a near daily basis isn't a big enough reminder or the fact that I have a brand new car seat and stroller in my living room. Or that I had the husband that doesn't understand why I'm so upset. He would love for me to just put it behind me and act like it never happened. My boobs are huge, my stomach now has a nice coat of bloat and my pants don't really want to fit. Adding the list of current reminders.

Wallace: He's currently at the Country Animal Hospital and Kennels staying there until Doc and I figure out just what to do. I really don't want to give him up but I'm all out of options. Besides just buying a house to buy one for us and the Walls to live in. My landlords are assholes and won't let us have him here. I mean he is a trained therapy pet. It is so frustrating that we pay $925 a month and still can't have a pet when we agreed to put down an additional non refundable deposit for them.

Housing: I got notification today that our rent will be increasing $75 a month for increased heating expenses. We have 30 days to decide whether or not to stay or move. We started looking tonight for a different place. We are going to look at an apartment on Friday morning that would decrease our rent by half but we would also have a bedroom less. It may be well worth it if we just sign a 6 month lease agreement. We applied for a mortgage but with the economy who knows what will happen.

(found this out in the draft world on 11/6/08 and posted it.) my life at that point

My Sick Furbaby Wallace

Doc and I adopted Wallace in March of 2007 from a high kill shelter rescue out of New York. The foundation is run by an angel Jane. She is the best. She is so kind and extremely supportive. We got Wally to be a companion for our yellow lab Jacob. When we got him he only weighed 75 pounds and was extremely sick. We were told that he was between the ages of 7-8. We later found out that it was more 9-10. So after numerous vet visits we found out that he was filled with whip and hook worms. So both pups had to be on medicine. Doc and I were in the process of purchasing a home and it was sold out from underneath us. We had 2 1/2 weeks to find another place to live ---we searched and found a place that was reasonable and it allowed pets. We put a deposit down...it was just a temporary home until we found a house. So we went to sign the lease and it stated no pets. Great---what are we going to do? We couldn't get back our $3200 deposit and we couldn't afford to lose it either. So we decided to board the dogs. We found Pam---she had two of her own dogs and a heart of gold. Jacob was having really bad separation anxiety and wouldn't make it there for a year or less. So I made the ultimate choice. I found him a great forever home with an awesome family! We love Tracy and Newman. They are such a great fit for him. Wallace was doing great with Pam. He liked the dogs and her cats and seemed really happy there. We got really great reports each week.

Up until.... I went to pick him up a few weeks ago to have him for the day for some quality time and he had no hair on his bum and was covered in fleas. Of to the flea dip we went. I picked up flea meds to put on him in hopes that we help him. Doc got him a flea collar to see if they would help. This week we got a report that he was weak, not eating, urinating in the house and that she noticed blood in his stool. I thought we would just schedule him a vet appointment. Saturday it got drastically worse. She called to tell me that her son thought that he should just be put down. That he was extremely sick and that her son would have no problem shooting him. I called Doc hysterical that this idiot would might actually kill our dog. We pay her each month and we supply her dogs plus our own food each month and this is how we get treated. I began to question how Walls was being treated there. Doc and I talked last night about what to do. We can't bring him our place and finding someone to take him at his age would be very hard to do. Doc emailed Jane right away this morning to notify her of the situation that we have on our hands. She called me at work and asked me how soon I could get him out of there. I said probably today if I had a plan. So she called her vet in Bethel and got me squeezed in at 2:30 and we made arrangements with a boarding facility in Shelburne to board him for a few weeks while we beg our landlords to let us have him here or we find a home to purchase or a new place to rent. Jane is an extraordinary woman. She is paying for everything for us so we can be calm while we are dealing with all of this. I love her from the bottom of my heart. So at 1:00 I was on my most nerve wrecking drive of my life to go pick up my baby not knowing what to expect. I didn't know if he would be groggy, dead like or dirty. When I got there he was SOO excited to see his mama! He was jumping and when I showed him his leash he was overjoyed he knew the end of that place was near!!! He was such a good sport in the car.

Wally's visit summary to Country Animal Hospital. We met with Dr. Jessica Englund. She was super! Here is what our receipt entails:

Diagnostic exam $36.
CBC-Abaxis $35.
Chemistry Profile-abaxis $47.
Fecal; negative $19.
Snap Giardia; negative $25.
Heartwork/Lyme test;negative $35.
Urinalysis $28.
SMZTMP 960mg tabs $20.
Amoxicillin Capsules 500mg $15.0
Drontol Plus Canine $57.

Grand total: $317.

We were at the office from 2 to 5pm. I got a really good report--He was negative for heartworm and lyme disease. His heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, prostate, and pancreas are all in excellent condition. He is being treated for a small parasite in his stool and being dewormed just in case something was missed. His white blood cell count was extremely high in urine so he is being treated for a urinary tract infection--Dr. Jess also told me that we are going to do a follow up urine test in 10 days to see how he is feeling because he could have a tumor or a form of bladder cancer. Or it could be that he got a UTI from improper care like not being let outside. I couldn't get him into the boarding facility tonight in Shelburne so he is spending a couple of nights at the CAH in their boarding area. We got to pick out his room and a blanket along with a plush bed for him to sleep on. I hung out with him in room while he got friendly with the male dog next to him. They peed into each others area so they were happy. I left him with him having high spirits and me crying because I didn't want to leave my baby behind. This couldn't have come at a worse time. I love him and I just want him to be here with us where I don't have to worry about how someone else is treating or caring for him!!!

My Sweet Baby Angel

To those of you who look away when I grow teary eyed in the baby department, look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those of you who change the subject when I speak my child's name, change your way of thinking.
It may just change your whole life.

To those of you who roll your eyes and say we barely had them at all, how could we miss them so much, in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times. We have seen their first steps, first day of school, their weddings, and their children. We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, even if we had twenty more they would never be the child we lost, and we will always miss them.

To those who say get on with my life, I have. It is a different life, the life of a grieving mother. One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for, but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of.

Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart throbs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she is NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of here is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us: we have shaped more than just the future generation.

We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.

Open your eyes to us, and you just might see them.