I was robbed.

Not only was today Mother's day but today was my due date for Baby E.

I'm bitter. Real bitter. The kind of bitter that gives you a sour taste in your mouth.

I know that God has a plan for D and I but I feel robbed. The loss of our child consumed me this afternoon. I wanted to scream but that wasn't an option D was doing homework. Instead I slept the afternoon away with the help of my pain medicine from Friday's surgery. It worked as a good coping mechanism.

Now that I'm awake---I again feel like someone stole something from me that I may never be able to experience.

It's the saddest feeling to have on this day of all days.

Tonight I'll go to bed knowing that I am a mother. a sad mother.

Oh, wait. I have Wallace that acts like a four year old. He takes on the best role of our child. He is our child! A fantastic boy at that. He wakes me up at 2am to go out. With him here it makes the feeling a little better. I can't help but think it's just not the same.

1Cor.7:5::Week 3

So do not deprive each other of sexual relations. The only exception to this rule would be the agreement of both husband and wife to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time, so they can give themselves more completely to prayer. Afterward they should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt them because of their lack of self-control. (1 Cor. 7:5, NLT)

Week Three: How Illuminating!

Lights on during sex: excellent!

Celebrating myself image isn't an easy thing these days. Currently I should be sporting a pregnant bump instead all I sport is the weight that I haven't lost since loosing BabyE. But I can gladly say all the days and nights that I find myself so out of shape and grossly pudgy here and there Doc reminds me of the reasons he married me. He doesn't go a day without saying how beautiful I am. I really love this man.

In bed is one place that I can actually say that I feel beautiful.

Can you?

the shoes that i now walk in.

My Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Thank you to the Bumpie who posted this poem on the Pregnancy loss/Miscarriage board.

Merry Christmas BabyE

BabyE,

Merry Christmas sweet child. I wanted to thank you for watching over Daddy, Wally and I this week as it hasn't been a very easy holiday season this year. It hit me about a week ago that we would have just found out whether or not you were a boy or girl, instead your our sweet angel by the name of BabyE. It fits you just fine. I know your Grandpa Zoli and Grandma Ginny are spoiling you rotten today. Give them an extra hug and kiss for Daddy misses them so much! Daddy bought you an ornament for our tree about a month ago--It's a super baby onesie. You are our super angel watching over us. WE MISS YOU!

Merry Christmas.

I love you,
Mama

READ, READ, READ

Confession: I was the kid in high school and college that depended on sparknotes.com to get me the passing grade. It wasn't that I hated to sit down with a book. It was the fact that I'm a slow reader. I've struggled with reading quickly my whole life because I'll be reading and my mind will just drift right off the page. My mind ends up on something completely different.

Dominic can sit down with a book and read it cover to cover in two sittings. He convinced me that the only way I would be a stronger reader would be to just sit down with as many books as possible and read, read, read.

I failed to mention---I have to be able to relate to the book in some way to be able to finish it. I know silly. Right? I fell in love with Emily Griffins books. I've read them all so far and have moved on to Claire Cooks. I've read more books in the last 2 months than I have in the past 10 years.

I just ordered 4 new books. Yes, Four. I know hate being with a book to read. I ordered 3 of Claire Cooks books and Grieving for a child I never held. As Christmas nears and more friends announce their pregnancy's the more I miss my Baby E. I realized that I really haven't grieved for Baby E. I'm hoping this book with give me a little insight on the whats, whys and whens. I know I have those answers in my heart but sometimes seeing them elsewhere helps too.

Thanks blog for letting me ramble at 1:37am :O)

Sharing My Thanksgiving.

Doc and I had our first Thanksgiving in our new place. It was great it was the just the two of us and our furbaby Walls. We enjoyed our day by lounging in our pj's, cooking, sipping wine and decorating for Christmas. Yes, Christmas is hear at our house :0)

Our orange infused bird- Yum!

Note to self for next Thanksgiving: purchase roasting pan and carving utensils!

H*E*E got new Glasses! I'm so excited my eyes are finally feeling some much better :O)OH CHRISTMAS TREE .... OH CHRISTMAS TREE
Our Tree is almost completely decorated... will post another picture when complete.
While moving I dropped my box of decorations and all of my red glass bulbs broke. So I had to purchase new ones. I never thought to pick up the hangers too... SO tomorrow I will finish our tree.
Baby E's ornament.
Daddy picked it out for Baby E at Hallmark a few weeks back. My Sign is finally hung :O)

I love penguins.
Dom found me these see no evil, say no evil and hear no evil at Christmas Tree Shoppes. I just had to have them.

And of course I was in an antique store and spotted them tin sign... again I just had to have it!
My goal is to have one wall with just different random tin signs hung in our kitchen.
I found a very tired Santa Walls when I got home from work.

Pregnancy & Infant Rememberance Day.

I would love to be able to forget that I was expecting baby E just a month ago. Not that I forgot my baby E but rather I like to think that my loss never happened. I would love to be posting weekly updates of my growing belly and where the "growth" of baby E would be currently. Instead of those joyous updates, I update my blog with my hgc levels and my doctors lack of heart. It's not only frustrating ---it just plain sucks!

So tonight, I plan to say a little prayer for you baby E.

I've never see Daddy be so quiet as when he put your stroller and carseat in the back of our new closet at the new house. Daddy had such a sad face---it almost broke my heart just a day short of us hitting our 11 week mark.

I miss you E!

Dear Baby E

Dear Baby E,

I just wanted to let you know that there hasn't been a day in past 4 weeks that I haven't thought about you or longed to see you. Since you went to heaven 4 weeks ago, my mood has centered around grieving for you. I hurt so bad knowing that I never got to see your fingernails or your eyes or get to take you for a ride in your stroller. I was so curious if you would have daddy's flat feet or mommy's narrow ones. You were a baby that wouldn't go without much. Daddy and I were already so well prepared for you. I'm so sorry you won't be able to be with us or use your cool things. I'm really sorry for Daddy and I because we were so excited to meet and watch you grow. My heart aches knowing that it will be what seems like forever for me to get to hold you. I guess we won't know when that will be---that's in God's timing. Which I might add, I didn't like his timing for you to back to him. Daddy and I bought a condo--God's blessing was perfect for that. You would be 11 weeks tomorrow. I miss you!

I love you Baby E!

Love always,
Mama

Here are photos of Baby E cool stuff:

CONDO UPDATE

I'm completely out of elbow grease for the weekend! I cleaned the condo from top to bottom and every last inch of the place! It's ready for us to move in. I'm going to make trips tomorrow with my car. Then I figure we will finish up next week or the weekend after with the bigger stuff. I'm really looking forward to moving in and finally settling down for a while. I will be so happy to have Mr. Walls back with us and getting him out of boarding. That will be a huge relief! Besides it will be ours in the end... how sweet that is.

My Life Update.

Blood work: Apparently its never going to go to zero. My beta level was at a two last Monday and this Monday it was at a one. I'm going to wait two weeks before I have my blood drawn one last time to make sure it goes to zero.

Miscarriage: I just want it done and over with. I'm so sick of being reminded that I had a miscarriage. Like seeing newborn babies on a near daily basis isn't a big enough reminder or the fact that I have a brand new car seat and stroller in my living room. Or that I had the husband that doesn't understand why I'm so upset. He would love for me to just put it behind me and act like it never happened. My boobs are huge, my stomach now has a nice coat of bloat and my pants don't really want to fit. Adding the list of current reminders.

Wallace: He's currently at the Country Animal Hospital and Kennels staying there until Doc and I figure out just what to do. I really don't want to give him up but I'm all out of options. Besides just buying a house to buy one for us and the Walls to live in. My landlords are assholes and won't let us have him here. I mean he is a trained therapy pet. It is so frustrating that we pay $925 a month and still can't have a pet when we agreed to put down an additional non refundable deposit for them.

Housing: I got notification today that our rent will be increasing $75 a month for increased heating expenses. We have 30 days to decide whether or not to stay or move. We started looking tonight for a different place. We are going to look at an apartment on Friday morning that would decrease our rent by half but we would also have a bedroom less. It may be well worth it if we just sign a 6 month lease agreement. We applied for a mortgage but with the economy who knows what will happen.

(found this out in the draft world on 11/6/08 and posted it.) my life at that point

My Sweet Baby Angel

To those of you who look away when I grow teary eyed in the baby department, look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those of you who change the subject when I speak my child's name, change your way of thinking.
It may just change your whole life.

To those of you who roll your eyes and say we barely had them at all, how could we miss them so much, in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times. We have seen their first steps, first day of school, their weddings, and their children. We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, even if we had twenty more they would never be the child we lost, and we will always miss them.

To those who say get on with my life, I have. It is a different life, the life of a grieving mother. One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for, but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of.

Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart throbs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she is NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of here is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us: we have shaped more than just the future generation.

We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.

Open your eyes to us, and you just might see them.

Doctors Update, again.

I called the doctors office today I was told that the nurses were just arriving so I wouldn't be able to hear my results. I explained to Patty (receptionist) that I expected to speak with someone at that point in time. She told me that again no nurse was available. I told her I wanted to speak with Claudia the office manager. Claudia got on the phone and I explained to her about yesterday's conversation with the secretary and the lack of communication by her staff. I also told that I would be looking into a different health center because of there poor customer service. She apologized up and down about how they are short staffed and with the construction. I again explained to her that I didn't care about new carpets and nicer patient rooms and how that stuff doesn't matter to the patient if they are getting prompt phone calls and great care while at the visit. That's why I used to love the health center. Now I dread going there. She passed me off to a nurse who couldn't read my lab results. She started telling me what my vitamin D levels were. I explained to her that I had my labs drawn yesterday at the hospital and I justed needed to know where my bhgc was at and what the next step would be. She didn't have my answer. So again, my chart was placed on a desk to be lost for the day. At around 10:30 I got a call from Dr. Pierce she told me that my bhgc level was a 2 and that they wanted me to have another draw on Monday. Finally, answers.

Today they started redoing our bathroom. Tomorrow morning should be great fun. Going to the neighbors to take showers. Luckily the apartment is empty :)

The Health Center

I called Plainfield Health Center (my doctors office) this afternoon for my lab results to see where my bhgc levels were at. The office secretary Jackie answers the phone. She asked me for my last name six times... My last name is 4 letters... how fucking hard is that to remember. I give her my home phone number. She couldn't get that right either. Apparently I was speaking some foreign tongue that she couldn't understand. She assured me that someone would call me before closing. That phone call took place at 4:15. It is now 9pm and they closed at 8:30pm. Where are my results? All I wanted was a call back with my lab results from my miscarriage that happened a week ago. I would really really like to be able to start putting this behind me.

My doctors office just went through this great expansion and remodeling of the office to better serve their patients needs. Well I intend to call them and inform that tomorrow that I don't give a flying fuck about new carpets and fresh paint. Serving patients doesn't alway mean that a new facility is a great way to achieve it. You can't have a great facility if the office staff sucks! I plan on looking for a new office to go to. I'm so beyond fed up with this doctors office. Which saddens me because I love the physician that usually see. These last two that I have seen are freaking joke to the medical field. --vent over!

Doctors Update

Went to have my labs drawn again today. The lady used a huge needle. It only took a few moments and I was finished. She put gauze on my arm with a little tape and I was on my way. I bled for a good 5 minutes. I soaked right through the gauze. Lesson learned this morning--before having your labs drawn--eat! I feel really faint after having them done. Got some breakfast. Doctor called this afternoon to let me know that I was at a 19. Back to the lab Monday for another draw. Come on zero--I don't want a D&C. I'm no longer bleeding--wondering if that is a good or bad sign? I guess I'll have my answer Monday.

Doctors Appointment

Went to the doctor's this morning after yesterday being the day from hell--just knowing that something was wrong but trying to think of positive. Got to the doctors at 9. Got weighed I lost 5 pounds since last Tuesday. I knew that couldn't be a good sign because I haven't really been sick with the baby. Went into the exam room where I had to get into a gown---she did a check---sure enough the baby was a self abort. She said sorry and left the room. Went down to the lab--only to have a pregnant lady draw my blood--what a SLAP in the FACE! I just was told I lost my baby and now I'm face to face with a very pregnant lady. So a confirmed miscarriage. The doctor requested to have my blood drawn and follow my bhgc down to zero. Dr. Sarah called this afternoon to let me know that my levels were at a 47. Was told that I needed to go have my labs drawn again on Thursday and go from there.

Oh No Baby...

Woke up this morning--with what started to be spotting. Then it got worse. I called the doctor and they want to see me first thing tomorrow morning to see if everything is okay. I know it's not. I already feel different. I already feel empty. I am already sad. I already miss it. I already want it back. I'm just hoping for the best--knowing that its just not true.

Baby E

9/4: Found out we were expecting. POAS in Montgomery, AL @ Arby's. Doc ordered lunch while I went to the bathroom. I've never seen Doc's face light up so much!