Loss.

Something happened today.

Something that hit me like I never thought would.

The second classmate of mine passed away in a tragic accident in California.  He was twenty nine, following his dreams and living an earthy lifestyle.  No fault other than he was walking on a highway and was hit by a car.  Sadly he succumbed to his injuries.

People joked, people made light of the situation and remembered him a lighter fashion than I.

I can only think about his mother.  His mother is facing the burial of her son. His mother isn't planning her next visit to see him... she is booking her ticket to pick up his remains.

I'm left here thinking.... soon that will be my mother.  That will be my mother preparing my brothers funeral, bringing him home from the hospital and consistently wondering why her son was dealt these horrible cards of cancer.

BMW woos

I have grown so so much; moved forward, transitioned, progressed and gained strength in myself. So much so that I now feel like I can conquer anything thrown my way. That was until tonight... Where I was faced with an expired registration and no valid insurance cards. Something as simple as I gave him the money to take care of it and he didn't. He has to do this... I "won" the car in the divorce but it's all in his name until 2017 when the car is signed over to me. 

I just can't believe that it's a continued battle, a heart palpitation kind of night where I'm so upset I can't focus. I can't believe that someone I once thought I loved with my everything would go out of his way to make my life a living hell. 

I'm looking forward to the day when I can write this part of my life off for good. I'm looking forward to a different car, a new city, new interior things and a new old last name. When I put it like this it sounds so materialistic but when I look back its all we ever had... The fancy rides, the big hot electronics, the house filled with tons and tons of unnecessary junk, guns and everything but the true foundation of what really matters in a marriage... And that's the part the bothers me the most.  I'm exiting knowing everything I've fixed, got help for and are continuing to progress through and he's just over there on "his HQ" slapping a band-aid on his wounds like they can be fixed without work. Yes, a new dog will help replace Jax and Gem and a new big breasted bitch will replace me but that's not going to fix the real issue.

But I digress... Not my problem as of 2017... 

Green Grass and Goodbyes

Dearest Monks,

I can't help but think how could you do this? How could this happen to us? How could our lives take such a turn? How could you shatter all my life dreams--all of which included you in some way...

There are so many things for me to be mad at you about. Financials, irresponsibility, the mistrust, the student girlfriend---The promise that you would never be another man to walk out on me.

But when I put those things aside---I have so many things to thank you for.  You have been my "when I grow up I want to be like him" career role model sans fucking anyone but my partner, you have been my shoulder during some extremely sad times in my life, you were my sense of humor when I couldn't laugh myself....

Through this last year you have taught me my most important life lessons in love and strength. You taught me that I'm sometimes too loyal, that my love is unconditional despite my sometimes better judgement, that I can't handle some of the toughest stresses and that I can remain cool and hold my head up when facing my enemies (lets face it, she's the whore cunt who should hang her head with shame, not me---the wife!)

I will forever remember our trips to ridiculous places such as our "10 hour Cleveland trip" to see Arnold from 50ft away or my shorts buying extravaganza during the worst freezing rain storm and you only complained slightly.

I'll forever remember how excited I was to become Mrs. Etli.  My every dream of forever began that day--I saw a beautiful home, a happy family and holidays spent with each other.  Those were dreams were more beautiful that I ever could have imagined because I imagined sharing them with you, my best friend.

YOU My Monks, became my best friend just as fast as you have become my ex.  I hate the term ex.  I never wanted you to become my ex.  Ex means failure---I never wanted to fail at the one thing I found to be the most beautiful in my life.

Sadly we have parted---for two very different reasons---You for a woman with children to complete your dream of a family.  Mine for school---becoming something better that would have in turn made us better.  I only ever wanted to be your equal and make you proud of me.

And this departure has taught me my greatest and toughest lesson---to be true and proud of myself by myself... there was never a guarantee that you'd be proud of me as I once had hoped.

Our worlds are totally different.  Our worlds needed to go in different directions so we could rebuild them as we each needed.

While I still go through the emotions of it all.  At the end of the day I can't be angry.  I have the world ahead of me, filled with a dream of family, traveling and finding my happiness.

You have given me the greatest gift, the gift to fall in love again. 

As for us-- we won't complete our happily ever after together---instead apart.

I lost so much more than you my husband.  The day you left me for Cierra, you took a major piece of me with you.  Cherish it, embrace it and keep it safe. 

Please take care of yourself.  The kids and I will be just fine.  You have given us the strength and motivation to do so.

In the end, there is a piece of me that will never stop loving and caring for you.  You gave me eight of the best and mildly worst years of my life. You gave me happiness, love, broad shoulders, and strength to handle the world.  You taught me the take no shit from anybody attitude I have. You were the biggest part of my life for so long. It's taking some adjustment and distance to stand on my own but I'm doing it not because I wanted to but because I had to. 

All the best Monks in this journey of the grass is greener on the other side of the world.  My only advice to you is water the fuck out of that shit and give it some miracle grow... I wish you happiness, protection, and adventure and all the other things I couldn't give you. 

Love always,
Your Ex-Monkey


On a side note, It seems so appropriate........

What do you see when you close your eyes?
Do you watch all your dreams go by?
I'll tell you what I see.

You're an uncut diamond,
You're the rarest star;
A lone bird dying to fly so far;
A beautiful mystery.
That's what you are.
Such a beautiful mystery.

So, baby go on and live your life.
I can't hold on and you're burning alive.
Don't let all your dreams just pass you by,
This is your time.

Even though we know that it's bittersweet,
Go and find the freedom that you need.
Even if it takes you away from me,
I know it's right.
So goodbye my love.
Yeah goodbye my love.

Like a violent storm on a quiet day,
Your heart is torn between go and stay.
I know that you love me,
But get on your way.
Yeah I know that you love me.

So baby go on and live your life.
I can't hold on and you're burning alive.
Don't let all your dreams just pass you by,
This is your time.

Even though we know that it's bittersweet,
Go and find the freedom that you need.
Even if it takes you away from me,
I know it's right.

And don't second guess yourself.
Yeah you know what you need.
Don't waste your moment worrying about me.

So goodbye my love.
Yeah goodbye my love.

Baby go on and live your life.
I can't hold on and you're burning alive.
Don't let all your dreams pass you by.
This is your time.

Even though we know that it's bittersweet.
Go and find the freedom that you need.
Even if it takes you away from me,
I know it's right.

You're an uncut diamond,
You're the rarest star;
A lone bird dying to fly so far.
Oh goodbye my love.
Goodbye my love.

"She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. 

And that's important."

#truth

#Truth

The hope that my life is moving in a positive direction.  Thank you MK for this beautiful of a picture to continually give the hope I need!

xoxo,

History of Us

This guy entered my life and swept me literally off my feet.  He brought a smile to my face like no other. He was the perfect mix of spunk and safety that I needed most in my life. While we so different we were so alike.  We shared a passion of pinstripes, hot dogs and cracker jacks.  We both loved the smell of Vermont in the fall, apples and cheddar cheese plates late at night while watching The Shield.  We both wanted the same things in life at that time.  He quickly became my best friend, my family, my life...

In September of 2006, this guy asked me to be his wife all while sharing that favorite past time of watching our boys in the Bronx play some seriously amazing ball. 

Of course, I said "YES"

One year later, this same day September 1, 2007 we pledged our love to each other all while surrounded by our closest family and friends.  

In November 2007, we experienced one of our greatest loses. We consoled and grieved with one another as we both lost one of our favorite people that day. 

And again 9/15/2008 we suffered another great loss, our baby. The baby we both prayed for and wanted with every ounce of our being. I'm quite sure we both lost another piece of our hearts the day this happened. It was too close to not having dad with us any longer. 

July 9, 2009 we bought our little gem at the end of Elm Street.

December 17, 2009 we said, "See you at the bridge sweet boy".  Our first "child" had lost his fight with cancer and we were forced to put him to rest. 

With that loss came joy, we welcomed a new baby boy into our hearts.

Jaxson Gromit Etli arrived at the 230 HQ.

And a princess, Princess Gemma Jam in 2011!

In 2012, our worlds changed

We decided to take a plunge of a life time

Our family was moving across the country

2600 miles

No family--No friends

Just each other

You moved first

27 flights and 16 airports later

A new house  and Estelle was purchased to welcome our family to the Silver State

Tears were shed and goodbyes were spoken when I left my job at the credit union. 

Then it was time to reunite our family and move me those 2600 miles. 

So we packed our little humble abode into this box truck

We made a glorious trip out of our adventure across the nation. 

I unpacked, I settled, I made us a home. 

And it was then that our lives would be so different

It was then that I realized we had grown apart

It was then that I made the choice to go home because I simply wasn't happy with myself or you

I didn't know you and you didn't know me

I was stranger in my own home

The place that was supposed to open up a million opportunities instead opened up a can of demons

After getting my head on straight  and cutting all ties to said demons

I came back and life was amazing

We shared

We focused

We loved

We together started focusing on being better individuals to be a better couple

We were always the "power" couple

Our friends looked up to us or hated us or were jealous of us 

We were a couple of "DINKS"

Dual Income No Kids

You were accepted in the Doctorates of Nursing program 

I was never so proud of you

You are brilliant

You are charismatic

You are loving

I applied and was accepted to nursing school.

Hannah Elizabeth, future RN

You were so proud of me

You made me proud of myself

I was finally following my dreams and making things happen

I was finally happy

FINALLY

My third quarter started and I began to really focus on myself and school

Perhaps too much

which is okay

Life really changed in May

 Our story has taught me so much

I've learned how to love unconditionally

I've learned what happiness is

I've learned the depths of sadness

I've learned just how ugly my own mind can be at times

I've learned every one of my emotions

I've learned the true meaning of love

Love is 

loving one more than yourself

 forgiving

being the bigger person

saying sorry

being a friend

supporting the other person 

accepting that you can't force a change

refusing to walk away

&

so many other things

So with that you moved out a week ago.

You left our humble abode to venture out into the world on your own and face your own demons, alone

I have decided to face my own demons

&

follow my own dreams

1. Focusing on being physically fit

2. Keeping this smile on my face

3. Remaining humble while spunky

4. Becoming the best damn RN you ever did see

So while September 1, 2007 may be our wedding date 

&

 today September 1, 2014 may be our seven year anniversary. 

It is anything but our day today. 

However--all of this was your choice....

And today is mine

Today I'm left with a broken teacup

a half bottle of whiskey

but I'm picking up the pieces

I'm slowly gluing my life back together

Today is me recommitting my life to me

My happiness, my joy, my spirit

I deserve this

In the end it will make me a better me

#betterdaysareahead #happiestoftimestocome

And because....

this will forever be my comforting song when days are sad

just like Grandma Jewett sang to me

xoxo, 

eight years later

8/25/2006 was a day when I thought my life had changed for the better.

Eight years later I walk into our home that changed from a loving place to us as roommates.... to just me and our kids. You packed up and left like a thief in the night.

You, my monks, my husband, my (supposed to be) best friend left me to pick up the pieces... all of them including a broken light bulb brushed under the counter and dirty dishes and clothes.  You of all people are supposed to protect me and not break me down. Instead you are the very person that has caused me all the pain that I'm currently suffering from in my life.

8 fucking years later---I'm making the commitment not to you but to myself to be a better friend, a better happier me. I will not let you WIN. As this was never meant to be a game of "soccer" or "tit for tat" but at this point I will not let you push me down or make me feel any less than what I do right now.

I hope your happy.... as this is truly your greatest loss in life....